Hello! This is my first attempt at a political satire, but I watch so many late-night talk show hosts that I feel like I owe them for their amazing insights by creating my own set of jokes.
Disclaimer- I have no right to comment on the President of the United States, but frankly, Indian politics doesn’t intrigue me. Modi is always right, Rahul Gandhi is wrong. Nothing else ever happens. I have tried to portray both sides (the reporter and Trump) as best as I could, but, in the end, this is for a good laugh. No offense intended to anyone. Further, the United States is an extremely important nation as it is the leader of the free world and even if we are afraid to admit it, President Trump is one of the most important world leaders. So, this satire stems from the fact that I am a future citizen of the world, not from any malicious intentions towards the United States.
Reporter (R)- President Trump, are you aware of the gravity of your position as the head of the administration?
POTUS (T)- Yes, I am the 45th and final President of the United States. After me, there will be nothing but authoritarianism! (Cackles- I love North Korea For this reason. Every night, I dream of being Kim-Jong-un). Bwahahaha….
R- Umm, yeah, I guess… You must be knowing about the Grand Jury appointed by former FBI Director and Special Counsel Robert Mueller to further investigate your collusion with Russia. Any comments on that?
T- Unfair. It’s sad. They won’t let the guy with the highest ratings (me) do my work and they just keep involving me with some silly allegations. So what if I colluded with Russia? I didn’t, but so what? This is not a major scandal or anything! Everyone wants dirt on their opponents. It’s the political game of chess. And I won, both the popular vote and the electoral college by a big, big, big margin if you don’t count the millions of illegal votes. And also, a jury needs to be fair. Where are they going to get a jury full of people who colluded with Russia to aptly decide my case? My campaign team is not free as of now!
R (sighing)- Sir, you will bring in only those immigrants who have proficiency in English as part of your new RAISE plan. What message are you trying to put forth to the world? Are you implying that only people who know English are skilled?
T- Nothing; no message at all. We just want highly skilled individuals. Bigly, goodly skilled. I just want more people like my beautiful daughter, Ivanka, who can architect a great future for this country. That’s a great word I learned to use. In fact, I wanted to become an architect when I was growing up. That was until my Math and Drawing teachers told me I had no aptitude for either of the two subjects. So, I decided to prove them wrong. I got into real estate. But I guess I haven’t improved much in Math. I still can’t count how much money I have.
R- Sir, my question was about racial stereotyping and English ability…
T- I know, but I chose not to answer that because…well… you know….. (Mumbles-‘Putin didn’t teach me that one’). I’m just trying to save jobs and keep my campaign promises to the people who voted for me. It’s a tremendous, tremendous, tremendous responsibility. Why are you and the other failing media outlets making things so complex?
R- Sir, the world is not black or white. Things are going to be complex. And you are now the President of the entire country, not only your voters. And don’t you feel that by cutting legal immigration, you will be delivering a solid blow to the economy? For example, South Carolina has said that Americans are just not willing to work at restaurants and tourist shops. Those jobs are then taken by legal immigrants who work for half the wages. Isn’t this a symbiotic, win-win situation for the immigrants and the economy?
T- Listen, stop lecturing. No one knows how to run the economy better than me. The failing economy got a boost when I began my term. There has been a 2.6% rise in GDP just this quarter. What do you know?
R- Sir, this kind of rise was present in Obama’s term at least fourteen times, that means in fourteen quarters, he saw a raise of 2.6% or more. And he wasn’t implementing such controversial policies. I am sorry, sir, but doesn’t this serve as an indication to you?
T- What? Stop comparing my term to President Obama’s. I’m new into politics and look, I’m President. I must be doing something right that you and Obama are not.
R- Sir, please….Obama couldn’t have lawfully run for re-election. Otherwise, I doubt that the American people would have even batted an eyelid when it came to making a choice in the 2016 elections.
T (utterly ignoring the reporter) – And those numbers from Obama’s times are fake news. Mine are real, because, hey, even Fox reported it. The only numbers that aren’t real in my time are the fake poll numbers. Everything else is real. And I don’t have time to answer your questions anymore. I need to sign an executive order to allow for more golf-ball manufacturing factories. I need to lower their taxes, because hey, in this stressful world, golf is the only thing we poor Americans have left….(leaves)..
R (screaming)- SIR….POOR AMERICANS DON’T PLAY GOLF…. THE TIME’S NOT UP YET….I STILL HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR TAX RETURNS!!!!
POTUS runs away even faster now.