Good evening and welcome to our imaginary global news channel, ‘A Fresh Outlook’! I am senior international news correspondent Maanini Singhvi and I have had the exclusive privilege of meeting the President of the United States for this one-on-one interview. Here is the full transcript of our conversation.
August 4th, 2017-
Me– President Trump, are you aware of the gravity of your position as the head of the administration?
President Trump- Yes, I am the 45th and final President of the United States. I might even appoint myself as President-for-life.
Me (visibly perplexed)– Umm, yeah, I guess… You must be knowing about the Grand Jury appointed by former FBI Director and Special Counsel Robert Mueller to further investigate your collusion with Russia. Any comments on that?
President Trump– Unfair. It’s sad. They won’t let the guy with the highest ratings (me) do my work and they just keep involving me with some silly allegations. So what if I colluded with Russia? I didn’t, but so what? This is not a major scandal or anything! Everyone wants dirt on their opponents. It’s the political game of chess. And I won, both the popular vote and the electoral college by a big, big, big margin if you don’t count the millions of illegal votes. And also, a jury needs to be fair. Where are they going to get a jury full of people who colluded with Russia to aptly decide my case? My campaign team is not free as of now!
Me (sighing)- Sir, you will bring in only those immigrants who have proficiency in English as part of your new RAISE plan. What message are you trying to put forth to the world? Are you implying that only people who know English are skilled?
President Trump– Nothing; no message at all. We just want highly skilled individuals. Bigly, goodly skilled. I just want more people like my beautiful daughter, Ivanka, who can architect a great future for this country. That’s a great word I learned to use. In fact, I wanted to become an architect when I was growing up. That was until my Math and Drawing teachers told me I had no aptitude for either of the two subjects. So, I decided to prove them wrong. I got into real estate. But I guess I haven’t improved much in Math. I still can’t count how much money I have.
Me– Sir, my question was about racial stereotyping and English ability…
President Trump– I know, but I chose not to answer that because…well… you know….. (Mumbles-‘Putin didn’t teach me that one’). I’m just trying to save jobs and keep my campaign promises to the people who voted for me. It’s a tremendous, tremendous, tremendous responsibility. Why are you and the other failing media outlets making things so complex?
Me– Sir, the world is not black or white. Things are going to be complex. And you are now the President of the entire country, not only your voters. And don’t you feel that by cutting legal immigration, you will be delivering a solid blow to the economy? For example, South Carolina has said that Americans are just not willing to work at restaurants and tourist shops. Those jobs are then taken by legal immigrants who work for half the wages. Isn’t this a symbiotic, win-win situation for the immigrants and the economy?
President Trump– Listen, stop lecturing. No one knows how to run the economy better than me. The failing economy got a boost when I began my term. There has been a 2.6% rise in GDP just this quarter. What do you know?
Me– Sir, this kind of rise was present in Obama’s term at least fourteen times, that means in fourteen quarters, he saw a raise of 2.6% or more. And he wasn’t implementing such controversial policies. I am sorry, sir, but doesn’t this serve as an indication to you?
President Trump– What? Stop comparing my term to President Obama’s. I’m new into politics and look, I’m President. I must be doing something right that you and Obama are not.
Me– Sir, please….Obama couldn’t have lawfully run for re-election. Otherwise, I doubt that the American people would have even batted an eyelid when it came to making a choice in the 2016 elections.
President Trump (utterly ignoring me) – And those numbers from Obama’s times are fake news. Mine are real, because, hey, even Fox reported it. The only numbers that aren’t real in my time are the fake poll numbers. Everything else is real. And I don’t have time to answer your questions anymore. I need to sign an executive order to allow for more golf-ball manufacturing factories. I need to lower their taxes, because hey, in this stressful world, golf is the only thing we poor Americans have left….(leaves)..
Me (screaming)- SIR….POOR AMERICANS DON’T PLAY GOLF…. THE TIME’S NOT UP YET….I STILL HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR TAX RETURNS!!!!
President Trump proceeds to run even faster now.
Welcome once again to our imaginary global news channel, ‘A Fresh Outlook’! I am senior international news correspondent Maanini Singhvi and I have had the privilege to welcome the President of the United States to a one-on-one interview, concerning his latest political moves, his impending meeting with the leader of North Korea and the even more petrifying possibility of a meeting with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Here is the full transcript of our conversation.
24th May, 2018-
Me- Welcome, sir. I trust that you have been informed of the subje-
President Trump- Yes, yes. I know why we are here. Hang on a second, will ya? Put on this mask that I made. Well, Ivanka helped me tape the rubber band on.
Me- Sir, that’s a mask with the face of Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
President Trump- I know, I know. My lawyers, mainly Rudy Giuliani, ’cause everyone else left, wanted you to wear it so that we can practice for my ‘inevitable’ meeting with that Mueller guy. ‘Inevitable’, isn’t that a good word? I overheard it, when Mike Pence was talking to his staffers about his chance at the presidency. He later told me that it means ‘never’. He’s a really good guy.
Me (rubbing my temples)– Ohhhhh…Very well, sir. Do you have anything in mind regarding your interview with Mr. Mueller? For example, have you rehearsed any answers?
President Trump- Oh, I have a lot in mind. Just don’t publish this, okay? (Whispering) I’m going to go against my lawyers’ advice and go totally unscripted for the interview. I’ll tell Mueller all about Vlad.
Me (visibly flabbergasted)– Sir, forget I asked that. Would you like to elaborate on why you chose to back out from the Iran nuclear deal, which was one of the signature achievements of your predecessor?
President Trump- Well, the Iran Nuclear Deal was badly negotiated and never benefitted the United States. It made Iran rich and could only have led to a ‘cat-as-trophe’. And (inaudible), the United Shursh (inaudible) would only be benefitted if I undo Obama’s policies, ‘cause those policies never got us anywhere. You look at North Korea, people say I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for that thing. But, we’ll see about that, we’ll see.
Me- Sir, my question was about Iran, not North Korea, but since you did bring up North Korea, I would like to ask you about the constant efforts of President Moon Jae-in of South Korea in bringing the North to the negotiation table.
President Trump- President Moon and I are best friends. Literally, best friends. Sorry, Macron, I won’t brush off your dandruff anymore, (inaudible). President Moon has certainly been instrumental in talks with Little Rocket Man ‘cause they both speak Korean. Also, I personally hold the belief that my unpredictability has scared Little Rocket Man. I’m so unpredictable with my foreign policy that people, including my own staffers, say they never know what’s coming next.
Me- But, that is precisely what ‘unpredictable’ means-
President Trump (continues)– I’m such an unpredictable person that Little Rocket Man destroyed his own nuclear testing site so that I would agree to talk to him. But alas, the June 12th summit may not work out. It’s very unpredictable right now.
Me- Sir, the testing site is unstable, on the verge of collapsing, after he conducted his sixth test there, according to studies conducted by China. Further, your national security adviser, John Bolton, made explicit references to the 2003 Libya model when speaking about North Korea. What are your views on that?
President Trump (grunting)– Well, if I lose support for my Nobel Peace Prize campaign because of him, John Bolton is going to go down either like the Spicer or the Scaramucci model. Also, I like Little Rocket Man. I promise him; if this upcoming summit, whenever it happens, goes according to plan and he agrees to denuclearise, he’ll be good, rich and happy.
Me- Sir, there’s no campaigning for the Nobel Peace Prize. There is a committee that decides the winners. And are you threatening to fire Mr. Bolton?
President Trump (shrugging)– Yeah, I might fire Mustachio, ‘cause I had to do a total 180 on Twitter because of him. You know how hard it is to do a 180? Plus, I have never, ever, ever flipped on my promises. Oh, and are you serious? No campaigning involved for the Nobel Peace Prize?! That’s great! I’m anyway very good at winning things when committees are involved; I won the 2016 presidential election because of the Electoral College. Did you see that beautiful map?
Me (exasperated)– Yes sir, I am a journalist; I covered it on election night. Anyhow, you have been very vocal about your distaste for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. What did you think of the comedienne, Michelle Wolf, who performed this time?
President Trump- She was actually pretty funny, but I can’t admit that, can I? Just don’t publish that statement. I’ll say this, though, she totally bombed. You can publish this statement. The reason those dinners aren’t successful anymore is because I never attend them. They’re just a bunch of fake news journalists, gathered in a hall, deciding on their next fake news story. Did you see their TV ratings this time? They probably broke the record for worst ratings. CNN probably gets better TV ratings than those dinners ever do. Ughhhh… (Inaudible). And I want to take this opportunity to thank Seth Meyers and President Obama. Their 2011 roast was the reason I ran for President. And I also ran to ‘Make America Great Again’, of course.
Me- Sir, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule for this interview. Before, we leave, however, I would like to ask you…Yanny or Laurel?
President Trump (gasps)– I’ll call Michael Cohen to get him to pay both.
Me (shocked)– Sir, no! I meant the recent auditory illusion that has become an Internet phenomenon.
President Trump- Oh, that thing, it could be Laurel, but to be honest, I heard ‘covfefe’. Don’t give me mini-panic attacks like that. And plus, I think you’re fake news, too.
Disclaimer: This is an attempt at political satire. No offence intended to anyone; this is simple, light-hearted comedy. I sincerely hope that everyone, regardless of political affiliation, is able to enjoy this post. Thank you, Mr. John Oliver, for that amazing ‘Scaramucci model’ joke.